For the last seven months, I’ve been a drunk.
A drunk, mind you, not an alcoholic. I never drank at work. I didn’t have to consume all the alcohol wherever I went, etc. However, my drinking did help bring a four year relationship to a screeching halt. I’ve managed to lose the woman I thought was going to be around for the rest of my life, simply because I drank instead of trying to solve problems as they arose. Then I felt bad about the fact I wasn’t taking care of things, so I drank to escape that too. And so on and so on.
Why the hell am I writing this? There are a couple of reasons:
The first is a permanent reminder to myself that I can’t escape problems or responsibility no matter what I try. Drinking in and of itself is not bad in moderation. However, drinking because you feel like you can’t look another problem in the eye is very bad. Drinking to the point where you’re not sober the majority of the time you’re around the people closest to you is horrible.
The second is for anyone who might stumble across the site one day. If one person reads these words and might put down a drink for one day, then it’s served a useful purpose other than self-flagellation.
The third is that in some small way it helps me deal with the ruined landscape my life has become.
I don’t know where things go from here. I just take each day as it comes. So far, after putting down the bottle almost a month ago, I’ve managed to start a small exercise program, see a couple of doctors (and get contacts), and apologize to a few of the people who were closest to me at one point, including my ex. I’ve gotten really smashed once, by design, and have even managed to have a drink without needing to drink to excess.
The hardest things, at this point, are keeping myself from playing the “if only I had done this sooner” game with myself. Being grounded in the present is hard enough as it is, but that will drive me crazy.
However, I know one thing. I’ve been through this before and although that is a sign I obviously didn’t learn the first time, I can get through it again. I just have to remember not to forget the lesson this time around.
Something tells me I won’t.
-K
